Journey of a Transgendered Woman. Samantha’s Story.
This is a poem reflecting my journey and touching on the despair and final happiness.
A Strange Life
Let me take you on a journey into a life you won’t believe, a life spent in denial always trying to deceive.
It started out quite normal nothing really out of place, but as you will discover this was not the case.
You see I knew I was a boy all the bits and bobs were right, but a little voice inside me was getting ready for a fight.
My head my heart and body too all chose to disagree the girl that is inside me was demanding to be free.
The fight that raged within my head was the worst I’d ever known, I reached out to my loved ones and found I was alone.
Why won’t you all believe me was all that I could say, I should have been a girl It should not have been this way.
This body that I have is like a prison cell for me, I really am a woman I just wish you all could see.
But now my struggle is nearly over and at last my life is changing, to right the wrong that nature made will take a bit of rearranging.
I’ve been told no one will ever love, me that I will spend my life alone. But the woman that’s inside me she feels finally at home.
And now there’s sunshine in my life, and lots of new friends too. So I’m glad I took this journey and I know that I’ll pull through.
And as I start my life anew and face the world head on. I do so as a woman now, the male side he is gone.
So now I’ve told my story I will leave it up to you, I’m happy for the first time my head my heart and body too.
I grew up in Glasgow Scotland the eldest of 7 children, I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. From my earliest years I knew something wasn’t quite right I had no idea what was wrong but i just felt different. As I got older my feelings grew stronger and my confusion even more so, I did overly masculine things to hide my feelings fearing people would see the real me. My teenage years were the worst time of my life. I was cross dressing in my sister’s clothes and pretending to be a female. I hated myself but had no real understanding of why I was like this. I built a manly, aggressive image to hide my true feelings. I remember going to bed each night and saying a prayer “Dear God please let me wake up normal”. The sad thing is that I had no idea what was making me like this and had no one to talk to and no idea how to even begin to explain what I was feeling. There was no educational awareness for me to draw on. I had no idea that there were others in the world going through exactly the same things. Had I known there were others dealing with this and that it wasn’t my fault, things would have been so much easier for me.
I was able to supress my feelings, keep things locked deep inside. I became a master at hiding my feelings and fooled everyone that knew me. I dressed in secret whenever an opportunity arose and managed to keep things together. Then one day I met an amazing woman, fell in love and got married. For the first 3-4 year’s things were “normal” but gradually my feelings returned and this time they were stronger than they had ever been. I still had no idea what was wrong with me. I hated myself so much that I wished I could just die. The feelings kept growing and I started cross dressing again wearing my wife’s clothes this time. She came home early one day and caught me. This as you could imagine devastated her, she needed me to explain what was going on but I had no idea so I couldn’t tell her anything. Instead I dealt with it by becoming aggressive. We separated for about 9 months, during this time my wife sought some counselling to help her deal with things and possibly get some answers, for some reason she felt perhaps it was her fault??
We stayed in touch over the separation, and I made silly promises to never dress again, promises I knew I could never keep. One day my wife came to see me, she was armed with knowledge and layed it all out to me. I was a “crossdresser”, I had a fetish for woman’s clothes! This didn’t feel right for me but I wasn’t going to argue. My wife asked me to see a psychiatrist specialising in gender issues. I agreed, hoping this would bring us back together. During the visits to the psychiatrist we learnt about a support group called the Chameleons in Perth. My wife agreed that I should go there to meet likeminded people. A few months after that we moved back in together and she allowed me to cross dress at night and in secret. Going to the club for the first time was terrifying for me but I knew if I didn’t go things would not be good with my wife, so I went and my wife came along with me.
I started being a regular to the club. One thing I was amazed to learn was that as I talked to others, everyone was telling my life story. It was as if they had all read my mind and were telling me my feelings right there. It was unbelievable that so many strangers could have lived my exact life. I began to understand myself more and more and it felt great to be at ease with myself. For the first time in my life things felt right, I was dressed as a woman, and was being treated as a woman and it felt amazing. I did start to feel that things were much more for me than cross dressing, I did not have a “fetish” for the clothes as I was told, I just identified with them. I started to finally understand myself, I was transsexual! My wife refused this notion outright, “go down that road and I leave for good” she said. So here I was I finally knew who I was but again I was unable to be ME!
I continued with going to the club and having my “girl’s night out” time and was allowed to dress more at home (kids were grown up and had left the house) so I was able to accept this as “the next best thing” to being totally me. This became my life until one day my beautiful wife passed away. I was devastated, she was everything to me. She made everything ok and now she was gone. After one year on my own and trying to keep things together I started seeing a psychologist to help me with my grief. It didn’t take long for Samantha to become the main topic of our sessions.
I was referred to a psychiatrist and was properly diagnosed as “transgendered”. I was then referred to an Endocrinologist and started hormone therapy. I began going out more and more as Samantha, the feeling of being out as female was the most liberating feeling that I have ever known. It is impossible for me to describe how I felt, even so I was very nervous and very withdrawn when out. I met some beautiful friends at the Chameleon Club, Claire and Ros, they both looked out for me and helped me grow as a woman. It was during one of our nights out that I met Nerrelle, Claire’s daughter. Nerrelle noticed how shy and withdrawn I was and offered to take me shopping one day. This was a dream of mine, going shopping during the day as Samantha. OMG could I do that?? Well Nerrelle took me shopping on many occasions and I grew and grew as a woman until being Samantha was the most natural thing in the world.
It is now 4 years since the loss of my wife and I am 3 years on hormones. In December 2015 I underwent SRS in Thailand (Nerrelle was with me and held my hand as I went under and was holding it when I woke from the operation, thank you Nerrelle xxx) and I now live as my true gender and I feel great. I no longer have the internal battle that I have lived with my whole life. I can’t tell you how that feels words wouldn’t do it justice. I am finally at peace with myself, I also for the first time in 55 years can look in the mirror naked and like the body that I see. I have the support of our 4 children although that was a very bumpy road and I am very proud of them for standing by me and accepting that this is truly who I am.
One thing I can say, having friends like Nerrelle, Claire and Ros really made a huge difference to my life and accepting myself was so much easier as a result of that. Everything is possible, you just need a helping hand and good honest support, the rest just falls into place.